Life is funny sometimes. I started this blog, and then just as I started gaining momentum in creating and sharing somewhat regular posts, I made a major life decision. I quit my job of over three years to focus on my health.

The past year has been rough on my health, but the rate of deterioration has seemingly become logarithmic. While not too long ago there used to be a time where I could go a couple of weeks without having a major flare-up, I’m lucky if I get three “good” days in a row. Even then, my “good” days now would have been some of my worst a year ago.

As I am writing this, it is a little after 5 on Friday afternoon. My successor starts on Monday morning, and after my brief training period with her, I am only maintaining two smaller aspects of my job, which will realistically only add up to around five to ten hours a week. That is truly all I can manage at the moment.

The journey to this point was not an overnight decision, but there seemed to be a breaking point at which everyone around me agreed that it was time to step back and prioritize my health before it completely slips away from me. Back in February, my partner and I moved to a new apartment with the goal of saving money with the knowledge that I would eventually be cutting back my hours at work. I finally got some major diagnoses in May, and I spent a day in the hospital in June. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t time yet, but I was being stubborn. Finally, towards the end of July, I reached out to my boss and put in my resignation with a still open-ended date. I am lucky beyond belief to have so many people that geniunely care for my wellbeing and health from my friends, to my family, to my employer. As soon as we talked, I transitioned from full time(ish) work to the expectation that I’d only work 3-4 hours a day until we found my successor.

I just completed my last assignment for work that doesn’t pertain to the two tasks I will continue to support or involves next week’s training sessions. There is a sense of freedom I feel in wrangling back time for myself and giving myself a few months to let my body rest and try to get a firmer grip on my diagnoses and symptoms, but wow I am also frightened. This is the first time since I was sixteen years old that I’m not at least part-time employed and/or a full time student. Next month I turn 27 (…I’ve no money and no prospects, I’m already a burden to my parents, and I’m frightened).

I am fortunate enough to have enough support and savings to where I can live for six to nine(ish) months without too much financial pressure. I’ve always been a bit on the frugal side, so that has helped me a lot with having realistic expectations for what the next several months will look like and helped me grow my savings account.

My goals for the next period of my life:

1. Take care of my body and mind
2. Spend time on hobbies and spiritual well-being
3. Be gentle to myself

Recently, my symptoms have been so difficult, frequent, and severe that I’ve felt myself harden as an individual. I have been frustrated and resentful and angry, and these are things I do not want to feel with this much intensity, at least over my own life. There are plenty of things in the world that deserve that energy to make a change for good, but I want my body and mind to become a source of growth and grace. I am going through so much right now, and I know it is naive to think my experiences won’t change me, but I at least want them to change me for the better.

Featured image: Two women representing the alliance of Peace and Abundance via Met Open Access